how it all started
from patient to practitioner
TRIGGER WARNING. Please note that this short blog contains discussions around eating disorders, disordered eating behaviours, mental health (including depression and anxiety) weight, food and body image. Please do not read on if you feel this may not be suitable for you at this time.
If you or anyone you know is living with an eating disorder or struggling with their mental health, consider seeking support from the UK’s eating disorder charity BEAT and Mental Health Charity MIND.
When I was a personal trainer, it became apparent to me that physical wellbeing is unrealistic if your mental fitness is lacking. Ironically, the one thing we have control over: our mind, is so often felt to be controlling us instead. This is why my whole ethos as a dietitian is about holistic wellbeing, and ultimately why I started writing this blog back in 2019 - to help others become truly Well-Nourished. As such, it is only right that I start things off with my own story, which I hope brings you a sense of reassurance that you’re not alone.
The Beginning
Let’s rewind back to my twelfth birthday. I was a fairly fresh high-school student who had always compared herself to others. So, now being exposed to an environment full of beautiful growing girls only exaggerated my poor confidence and problems began to arose when this self hatred compelled a desire in me to change.
My thirteenth birthday came along and I pledged to myself that I was going to make some - in hindsight, unhealthy - changes. By the time I went back to school in September, my body weight had plummeted and I was… proud. The problem with this ‘success’ is that the things I did, well …worked, and so I became afraid that reintroducing my old ways would reverse my ‘achievement’. I suddenly feared food and LOVED exercise, and anything that challenged me to move away from my new lifestyle suddenly became a threat, and so was ultimately eliminated from my life.
Having meals with friends or family, taking the elevator over the stairs, and wearing anything but baggy clothes was a thing of the past (so rule out social gatherings & connections). Anyone who cared about me enough to question my new life would only have their love thrown back in their face. I definitely wasn’t Amber anymore, but I was still present in my body somewhere. I knew what I was doing was wrong somehow, yet had already handed over the controls to something else. I had developed an eating disorder (ED), specifically an ED called Anorexia Nervosa .
Over many years, hundreds of hospital appointments, and care from various health care professionals (including a dietitian), I continued to stubbornly deny there was anything wrong. I developed depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, as well as other branches of EDs. I was completely consumed by voices in my head and the worst thing about it all was that I couldn’t run away from any of them - you can’t just tear open your mid-section and step out of your body to silence the voices. It wasn’t until 4 years later that I finally admitted to medical professionals that I needed help.
Finding the positive side
I decided there and then that in order to combat this I needed to find another route around the voices and start re-gaining weight. The route I chose was strength training.
I joined a gym, got a personal trainer and I received a huge amount of support from their staff - something I will never forget. I begrudgingly managed to convince myself food was necessary to grow the muscle I was working hard to gain (don’t get me wrong, this was not a quick nor linear process). Over many years, my mindset began to shift and suddenly strong women became my new role models. I got discharged from the hospitals under the conditions I was trusted to continue recovery alone.
I went on to train as a personal trainer, gain qualifications in biomedical science, and finally a registered dietitian, all whilst holding onto my one and only dream the entire way - to help the thousands of others, who like me, found themselves sucked in by nutritional misinformation, unrealistic beauty standards, and diet culture.
I came full circle!
Today
Despite my training and day-to-day job in the NHS, I am not immune to the voices my own head and those in my external environment. And whilst it can indeed be exhausting, I don’t think I would change my past or present, because I am not sure I would be the person I am today. I do sincerely believe they have given me much more than they have taken.
Today, my goal remains the same as it did all those years back… to help; to give back; to turn a negative into a positive, and to be a support system for anyone who needs it. So, if you need it, then I’m glad you are here.
here always,
Amb x